14 Mar 2013

Five Sentence Fiction: Paradise

This weeks five sentence fiction prompt was 'Paradise' and here is my piece;

Paradise Lost


In the centre of the room she sat, not moving and barely breathing, her fingers clinging to the sides of the chair, the phone silent in her lap.

Overwhelmed by the waves of emotion crashing inside of her and threatening to burst their way out, she swallowed and forced them back down.

Her life had been changed irrevocably in a single moment, her paradise lost.

She wasn’t alone in her loss and she knew she would need to delve into the deepest reaches of herself and find the strength to carry on, to not spiral out of control as she thought she might.

Step 1: Breathe

21 comments:

  1. Very nicely done. Her angst and emotions are very clearly portrayed.

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  2. It never ceases to amaze me that you can bring so much life to a character in so few words.

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  3. My sentiments exactly...those being....exactly what Hap and Jeffrey said!. Of course because you ARE so good at painting a huge picture with a tiny brush...I'm always greedy for more!!....Well done you Labradoodle you!...:)

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    1. Thanks! I think?! I appreciate all your comments immensely!

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  4. ahh! i want to know what happened!

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    1. Hi Azia and on behalf of me and my followers, welcome! :))

      I get that a lot! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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  5. This is very well written in its emotion and loss. I really felt her pain.

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  6. Two parts I like about this:

    1. The way we can feel her emotions even though we don't know why she feels them. This takes a well-written scene. It's easy to get emotion by saying something along the lines of, "My sister was run over by a car," but this brings out our feeling and doesn't necessarily allow us to relate to the character. This is more interesting, and as Azia says, it makes the reader want to know more.

    2. The way it ended, with the character taking one step at a time to keep from losing control.

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    1. Thank you , and thanks for taking the time to comment. It is sometimes hard to express such overwhelming emotions in so few sentences but I am glad that you connected with that.

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  7. Nice one, emotions come through so well.

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  8. I love the 'waves of emotion crashing in' - but I'm intrigued to know what has caused this. Nice piece.

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    1. I think it was just life changing news and could be a few things, but that feeling of powerlesssness and possibly anger, sorrow, denial and compassion all bundled together. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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  9. Wow - I just loved the last sentence. The end of the story and yet the start of something new however terrifying.

    Step number 1 should always be BREATHE!

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    1. Thanks Sarah, its the only way to start anything :D

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  10. I love that last sentence. The pain and anguish are very clear from your words. Well done.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by to comment and thanks :)

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  11. You portray the anxiety and fear of the moment incredibly well...we're drawn in so well, wondering what's happened in her life...

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I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Spill the beans...

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